December 14, 1993

Miss Jackson was subbing for Coach Hakens, so after class I talked to her about Mikey. Told her that he called last night and that he called me sweetie. Then she said I was getting into deep. I told her that he apologized for the way he talk to me on the phone, because his wife was home. She told me to make sure I was careful. And I told her about him telling me he was fixed, but that I was still going to be careful because he could be just saying that. She said “You’re right he could be.” And then added, “be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Then I went to class and during lunch Caroline and I went to Coach Hakens‘s class Mr. Higgins was there and Caroline said let them talk. I said no he has a class to go to and then looked to him and said stop flirting she’s engaged and Caroline said “yeah she has a boyfriend.” Ms. Jackson said, “Yeah, she wants to talk about her boyfriend.” Mr. Higgins looked at me and I said “not with you in here of course.” Caroline said bye U-turn and he smiled. I explained why we called him that and she smiled. We talked about what happened Tuesday and then Mr. Higgins came in and Caroline asked how long he was there and he said I never left. I said that’s OK we didn’t talk about Mikey anyway. And he said “Mikey” I said and it’s not my brother. He smiled. So did I. Then I said your class and he went back and I closed the door and went back to Ms. Jackson’s class. And we laughed about it. We talked about Mikey and our phone call last night “Sweetie” and all. Then Caroline told her his full name and I gave her a weird look and she said you can trust her. I said I know. Ms. Jackson said it’s not like I couldn’t find out if I wanted to. And then I said I know just don’t want him to get in trouble. Ms. Jackson told me she wouldn’t do anything to get him in trouble then I had to go to class.

Ms. Willow asked about him and I told her he was from Morgan County. She said out of the towner and I said sometimes it’s safer. She said yeah they don’t mess up your schoolwork. I told her about how he made me think about him all day instead of all the negative stuff happening to see if I could be happy and have a smile at least most of the day. And it worked, up until now when we (my family) are realizing that my Grandma may not make it. Please God let her live through this.

After school Aubree, Caroline, and I followed Coach out of town and we went by Mikey's work place and we waited which turned out negative he didn’t come so then we went by his house and turned in the apartment houses and up the dead end road and we were stopped by his house and he was walking towards us. He smiled and my car kept dying. Aubree said I assume that’s him and I said yes then we went up and around the block and we talked across the road with signals. I think he got the wrong one and I’ll find out later. He said no and we smiled at each other then we kept going by his house until he wasn’t outside anymore. He made me happy. It was Aubree that made me sad, she’s telling me that I should have sex with him. I hope she’s joking, but it still got me confused.

I’m trying to sort through my feelings for Mikey, but it’s so hard with Grandma like she is. I mean how can I love someone as much as I do Mikey when my Grandma who I was loved for almost 17 years is dying. How can I know what love is when my life could end at any time. You never know, I guess that’s why you have to use all your love up as it comes, because you never know. You just don’t know.

Love yes it’s a word that you can say I love you all the time and you can say I love (name - in my case Mikey), but you got to show love it’s also the action word, if you don’t show it and just say it, then the truth is you really don’t love that person. Well with Mikey we haven’t use the word to each other, but what I have for him is love, but I can’t tell him that, not yet anyway. He asked if he could read some of the “tablet” when I told him that I wrote my feelings down. See he asked about us and I said “my feelings about you, but in Mikey form.” He said “that’s good, can I read some of these feelings?” I hesitated and change the subject, because up to that point a lot of the feelings were confusion, but even though I’m in love I still have a lot (and I mean a lot) of CONFUSION! Maybe he’ll be able to help me out on my past sometimes, but I’m afraid I’ll scare him off if I tell him all of it.

Gotto go talk to my Grandma. She’s not doing too well, but we all pray. And Mikey keeps me smiling thank God for small favors. If it wasn’t for Mikey, I would be in tears all the time. I can barely sleep at night thanks to Mikey I get some. He always has good advice. Thank you my love my one and only. Can you believe I wrote that!

10/28/2003 — I wonder how different my life would have been if all the adult, who knew did something about it. I sometimes wonder who and what I’m more angry at. I mean here at least four adults Caroline's Mom, my Aunt, my Uncle, and now Ms. Jackson, who definitely should’ve told someone) and none of them did. They kept a secret for a 16-year-old. A secret that hurt really bad. All these people and nobody truly helped me in anyway.

06/05/2021 — How did they figure that it was OK to keep this to themselves as family why wouldn’t you go talk to the teenager’s parents or tell the teenager that you would go with them to talk to the parents or a counselor or especially those that knew he was a police officer he was 45 years old with a 16-year-old. At 16 you think you know everything (17 might even be worse than 16) parents don’t know anything and yet there was so many signs in the first couple of months where I went to people too afraid to say the word “help” but yet begging for it. I was begging for somebody to help with the confusion going on in my head (why do you make me feel so good and yet so‘s confused) and he always knew what to say and when to say it and I’m thinking here I can’t even think of the right words and yet he knew exactly what I needed to hear and when to hear it he knew how to get me to talk to him and how to make me feel I owed more to him then him just listening. As I said before I told him early on all I wanted was friendship and he was the one that kept encouraging it to be more. I just don’t understand why adults would think that this was OK to keep a secret. I would’ve probably been mad if they told but I would’ve been saved from so much pain. There’s just some things that adult shouldn’t keep secret - even if they encouraged that child or teenager that little person that doesn’t know everything a 45-year-old knows — encourage that person to go to somebody that could help with sorting out the thoughts. Hey what he is doing is this (unless it’s a child) that teenager that person still doesn’t listen and yes it is the adults responsibility to turn it in to say that somethings not right take a look at your employer especially if it’s a police officer or a doctor or another teacher. Somebody needs to be the voice for these people be the voice - don’t just listen which is good they need somebody to listen to them - but do something - help them. Because trust me if a teenager comes to an adult about a relationship that was supposed to stay has secret as possible they are crying for help without knowing how to say, “I’m happy he makes me happy, but it’s wrong and he scares me at the same time.” How does a teenager even try to understand the mix feelings going through her mind?

It’s wasn’t your secret to keep!