January 18, 1994

Well, this is the sixth day of not hearing nor seeing my one and only. Aubree saw him Sunday when she was at work, he went through her checkout line and Anna saw him last night at Walmart and all I’ve seen of him is in my dreams. See, the sixth day is very hard for me I made it through the third day without being depressed, but Sunday I felt like maybe I did something wrong. Then I decided no he never calls on the weekends. Then Monday went through and no phone call I really felt bad, I mean the last time I talk to him he told me he was going to the City with his wife and he thought she read one of my letters and I haven’t heard from him since.

Please let me see and talk to him tonight. I miss him so much. I don’t know if I’ll make it through another day without seeing him, I don’t even know for sure if he’s not telling me goodbye the hard way without any explanation. Anna says he wouldn’t do something like that, but doesn’t he know it’s hard for me to make it six days without him. I mean it’s going to be a week before he calls again or longer because I’ll be gone this afternoon. I might call him if and only if I know his wife is working and the twins aren’t home. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel like crying because it’s so hard to let go, but if I can make it a week then maybe I should try another, but I know I’ll be so happy the minute I see him in that car of his or even his ride. I’ll be even happier when I talk to him. Isn’t being happy what life is all about, but why does it take going against all my beliefs to do that (to be happy) that doesn’t make sense to me anyway.

Well, I left the nursing home at 3:35 or so and got to the stop sign right when Mikey and his ride went by he smiled. Then I was walking towards his house and I saw him get the mail and he asked if I was going to the library and I said I had no car and he said do you want a ride and I said as long as I get back to the nursing home by five and he said "well walk down that way and wait for me".

I waited 15 minutes and was very cold. Finally he came and I got in I hoped nobody saw. When I got in he said he was sorry it took so long because I said it took him long enough that it was cold. Then he patted my knee with his right hand and that was the only time he touched me maybe I’m looking at this relationship wrong you would think if he thought what I thought he would have touched me a lot more. I have to talk about it tomorrow.

Anyway we got to the gas station and he told me he had to get gas. He told me he’ll have heat after he got gas I was like if you say so. Then he open his door and said don’t go anywhere and I said I wouldn’t. He also asked if I wanted anything to drink and I said a diet Pepsi. (I just now thought of a wine cooler but I really didn’t want one or I would have thought of it) then he came back and talk to someone and handed it to me without letting anyone see and asked what my brother drove I told him a truck and that I was trying to get all our license plate #s for him.

Before he got the soda he opened the trunk and the hood to fix something for heat. Then he open the back door and I looked back and he said “don’t get spooked I’m back here”. I got to thinking and I felt like he was making fun of me, needless to say, I thought I was going to start crying four times during that ride. I couldn’t get my mind off what would happen if mom would have found out and why I was doing it. I couldn’t believe I left with a guy without mom knowing it. That’s part of the reason I wanted to cry. I was this little good girl that didn’t go against her beliefs with any of her other boyfriend and now I found someone that’s making me go against almost all of them but he makes me happier every time I see or hear his voice does that make any sense to you, because it don’t me.

I hope Mikey dies before me because these tablets I’m keeping of our relationship could get a lot of people in a lot of trouble if he doesn’t die before me. Mom and Dad would be able to read all my diaries when I die and believe me they will find out a lot about me they never knew when I was alive.

Anyway back to my ride, every time I thought about moving closer to him a car would go by or someone I knew and he said if anyone sees us together I was going to the grocery store and saw you walking OK. So we got to the first grocery store and he turned on his blinker but didn’t turn off, so I was like oh boy what are we going to do until 5 PM. Then he said he changed his mind and wanted to go to the other grocery store in town.

Then I smiled and started talking about the “rock” meeting place and he tried to explain where it was and he said but that’s when the weather warms up. I wonder what all he wants out of this relationship because I don’t know how to act because I don’t know what he wants I mean if he really wanted to go all the way why didn’t he touch me more I just don’t understand, maybe it is me who is trying to move this relationship too fast. I have to find out because I’m confused on what he wants. I don’t care what Heather says I’m going to hurt either way and at least this way I can be happy for a time in my life. I’ve never had that not true happiness and now I found it and I’ll die before I give it up too soon. I will have to find someone who treats me with as much respect and tenderness as Mikey does before I’ll be able to let go. And if Heather won't accept that then maybe I just won’t be able to talk about it with her.

Sometimes I catch myself saying we when I’m talking about me I get scared I think maybe I have two personalities but then I’ll go for a long time without doing it and I forget all about it and then it will happen again and I wonder if the other person caught it.

Anyway back to the car, we didn’t talk much but I told him what will probably do Friday and he said she doesn’t work and I said so (I’m getting sick of her). He said “just thought you would want to know”. And I said “I’m still going to drive by about a dozen times” and he said “OK”. If he didn’t want me to he could’ve told me right then and there right.

I realize he has a teddy bear that has a brown head and rainbow body. And I took a cap from an old soda and he gave me a bottle after I asked for it. I believe these are his radio stations and I’ll ask him what station he listens to the most to find that one out for sure.

1. somewhere around 88 it didn’t come in 2. Somewhere around 93 or so I think it was 92.7

3. His favorite he even turned it back to it as I was getting out of his car at 4:45

4. Country around 105.3

5. Country 99.3 (I know)

Big John and We Didn’t Go Near the Water was two songs I remember playing. When we got to the grocery store I asked if I was going in or staying out and he said “it’s up to you but you have to act like we’re not together.” I told him that my brother worked there and he said “then stay out here and watch the car.” I said “OK but hurry up”. That’s when I played with his radio and wrote down his mileage which is 94182 with a little 9 so right now it would be 94183 at least.

Before we got to town he said we were going to the first grocery store and I said anywhere as long as I’m back at the nursing home by five he asked why and I told him mom was picking me up then. He said well I’ll get you there a little early then. I told him I’ll just walk from where he picked me up at and he said OK.

When he was dropping me off he asked if mom worked yesterday and I said no and explained how she got mad when he didn’t call and how she said if you don’t mean enough to call when I’m home then how do you figure you mean anything to him. I told Mikey that I told her that he would call whenever he can and it’s none of her business when he does or when he doesn’t call. And he said that’s true and smiled he supposed to call tonight I can’t wait.

We also talked about his wife and how she makes me feel guilty because he had asked if she makes me scared when I said she was working and I had to get out of there. I also looked at his mail and found out his middle name started with an M. I thought neat so does mine and I asked him and he wanted to know why and I said I was wondering. He said "Michael" I told him mine was Marie and I thought I’ve always wanted to name my child with a middle name of Michael now I have a good reason to.