December 15, 1993

Questions I want to ask Mikey if he calls tonight or the next time he does.

First of all invite him to the concert (music) on December 20. When he leaves for work and if he takes the car and which way he goes out. (Country Road or highway) That’s all that I can think of. As I do I’ll write them down.

I guess I’ve been wondering a lot lately, you know his wife and all. I’m just so confused. And I’m afraid to talk to him about it. I don’t want to lose him. He means so much to me in the little time we’ve known each other, and yet I can’t even see him as much as I would like.

I’ve also been wondering about what Caroline had said on December 7, 1993. She said that he was using me. And asked if he ever Touch me or put his arms around me or kissed me when I said no she said I told you. The way I see it is that he cares about me and he knows the way I am around guys and that was why he hasn’t done those things. I believe all I have to do is say the word and he would be all over me.

Then last night when Aubree told me that I would get rid of his wife if she ever got in the way because I was that kind of person. I got depressed and she also told me that I should have sex with him because once we’re married it’s too late to find out if we have a good sex life. And I told her my belief we almost got into a fight because of it. I’m just not for sure what to do anymore. I hope she was joking, but what was said was said and also got me confused. I love him, that doesn’t mean I have to have sex with him. Does it?

I hope he calls tonight I miss him so much, just seeing him in his yard last night made me happy, but then I had to go to the hospital. I hope he calls because he can always make me smile and help me. He always knows the right thing to say, too bad he wasn’t here right now.

I need to see his lovely smile. I need to hear his lovely voice. I also need to see him period, but I can settle for a phone call.

Last night My mom's friend and my parents were joking around about young love and the mushy stuff we probably talk about and they don’t believe me when I said we never kissed of course they don’t know we don’t talk mushy stuff either. I still have a hard time believing that after all these years of being terrified of police officers I actually fell in love with one. And trust him with my life. Weird. I just don’t understand it. I still wonder if our relationship will change, and if it does will it be to the better or to the worst. I know if it goes to the worst that that’s God‘s way of helping me get out of this relationship. If it goes to the better I really don’t know what to think, that goes for it to stay the same, too.

I just don’t know what to do anymore I wish I knew. Mikey wants to read this notebook (the “tablet”), but I don’t think he realizes that it’s over 80 pages long. And of everything we’ve done, my feelings, and how other people react. And almost everything that has happened in my life as a result of him.

I love him with all my heart, but my feelings are secret as of this moment. Maybe just maybe we will talk over the phone about them, but I won’t let him read the “tablet” not yet anyway. I have to wait it out. I love him too much to lose him and that’s what I’m afraid of.

Guess who called at 4:20 PM tonight. Yes it was Mikey. We talked about my Grandma, how his wife said that we almost caused a divorce and the five page letter. How I was nervous that someone would get it. He said Anna I said no on your side. He said oh, well how about this I’ll read it and take it to heart then throw it away. I said “OK” We made plans to meet at the city park at 4 PM and when I told him that Anna would be with us. He said “I wish there would be a time that I could talk to just you, because when your friends are with you they do most of the talking, like at the game.” That’s when I said “your friends talked to you that Night, too.” And he said, “yeah I guess we have to expect that when we are in a crowd.” And he wants to meet sometime when we are alone. So I brought up Friday and that we could meet for a little while, but I had to go to the bank. He said “it depends because I’m not for sure if she works or not.” So I said “OK we’ll plan it later.” And I told him about the 20th of December and he told me that he wouldn’t promise but would try. And I said I know it depends on if she works or not. When he found out that Anna was going to be there tomorrow he said “mouth” what he doesn’t know is Anna’s staying in my car and I’m going to his or something like that.

We talked about who was in the car last night and what I was trying to tell him. I told him that Caroline and I wouldn’t tell Aubree who he was and he thanked me and said “I appreciate that” and also said that she was home, I wonder where the car was. He also asked why I was on the dead-end road and I told him I took a friend home. He asked who I said just a friend then he asked who he was? And I said he was a she.

When we talked about divorces I said I must be easy to blame, because my parents did and now your wife. Mikey told me that it’s not true and that it was all in the heat of anger and for me never to blame myself for it. I wonder if he’s talking about his wife or my parents. Mikey said that he knew because his wife asked if he knew her and he said no.

We talked about Christmas break. He said “So how are we going to keep in touch because I’m going out of town.” I asked where and he told me which town he was going to and I said well I can’t drive that far. He said “Oh I know that what I meant was are you going to be home. I told him I was and changed it to plan to because of my Grandma I’m not for sure. He asked “alone” and I said, mostly. He said so I can call you anytime and I said yes, that my brother might be home some, but he doesn’t care. Then Mikey asked how my brother took Tuesday night and I said he didn’t say much until he found out about me drinking. Then I told him about my chemistry class telling me that I was stupid for talking to Two police officers and Kenny said you weren’t drunk that night, and I said, no that's what I told the class, because I didn’t get drunk until after I left you guys that night. But then I also told him that my brother told me not to suck up with police officers because people think you get by with anything, so be careful. Then Mikey told me that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him I said you got that right. Then he said, we’ll plan for that out later, too.

Then he said that everybody dies, but they live about Grandma. And that I need to take one moment at a time. That it’s going to be hard, but it’s a fact of life we all have to go through. He told me that it’s going to be rough, but I have to go on. I told him about her giving up and how good she was a week ago. He said it’s hard, but the older you get the harder it is to fight. And he said “Oh” when I told him that she had a brain tumor 17 years ago.

Then he told me that he had to go and reminded me of our meeting plans he said “4 o’clock at the city park with my five page letter.” And I said “You bet and don’t forget.”

When we were talking about the five page letter he asked if I was going to give it to him and if I still had it or if I threw it away. I told him I had it I just had to find out where I put it. He’s darn and determined to get that letter. Maybe soon I’ll be able to write my feelings, but like I said I’m afraid I’ll lose him. And I can’t live with that and Grandma. He also said that he works almost every court date and then he’s going to start working all home boys varsity and junior varsity games. We now know which games I’ll be going to. I’m going to add some to my five page letter and I’ll write it in here. 5:14 and our other song is on “I need some TLCASAP” I love that song it was the first one to come on when I left the city park Tuesday the seventh. Anyway I’m going to finish that letter. Page 6 that is. The six page starts now.

Well, I’m going to add to this. I wanted to tell you that I like being with you and talking on the phone now, and you told me that you wanted to read the “tablet” which has my feelings well if you don’t mind maybe we can just discuss them sometime when I feel more relaxed about them. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want you to read the “tablet.” It’s my secret feelings that only I read. I mean I don’t even let my best friend read it of course it’s a little different with you because it’s all about you. All 88 pages of it (that’s just so far) and don’t worry I don’t let it leave my side. And my parents don’t read my diary and that’s what this is like. Except it’s in a notebook (paper) the cover has yellow, red, and green on the front. Understand.

I’m afraid of it if I let you know my true feelings I’ll lose your friendship and all. I mean I don’t want it to all stop because I admitted my feelings. Maybe someday soon I’ll be able to tell you. I hope this doesn’t make you mad.

I need some TLCASAP was the song that was on when I wrote this last page. It was also the first song that came on after we left the city park. End of letter.

I can’t believe he called. I had this weird feeling he wouldn’t but he went to O'Reilly's to call me. I love him so much I hope I don’t lose him.

I thought of something Caroline's brother told me on the bus he thought he saw him, and he explained the fight that happened at court and said he was working court.

When Mikey called he started explaining the fight he broke up Monday at court. I told him everything that Caroline's brother told me and he asked what all I’ve told him and I told Mikey that he knew him from when he got locked out of his car. Mikey is in a lot of pain right now from the fight and had back up.

I never told Caroline's brother that Mikey worked court so I believed him right off the bat. But I still wanted him to tell me about the night. I finally got my scanner after five days found out a few of the police badge numbers and I’ll find out more later. I’m so nervous but I’m also in love, does that make sense. It does to me, because I love someone that has a wife and who knows when he’ll stop. How far he’ll want to go. And then there’s Aubree, who won’t stop giving me the advice of having sex with him and doesn’t understand why I won’t and haven’t. You would think after being friends for this long she would know.

A paragraph out of Wuthering Heights it’s on page 82. “I love the ground under his feet, and the air over his head, and everything he touches, and every word he says. I love all his looks, and all his actions and him entirely and together.”

Anna right now it’s fine, but if we get closer and he leaves his wife then it would be OK. And if we got married we would never have children. I will not back off of my beliefs until we get to know each other a lot better (that’s any guy.)

10/28/2003 — Boy I wonder if this was a red flag, along with how he wanted to meet with me alone. So many red flags not counting all the people who told me he was just using me. I can’t believe how much I had forgotten about this relationship. Who I told, and how it really started. It really scares me to think that if I hadn’t wrote it all down and started typing it up, it would have been lost forever. I wonder how many of my memories have been forgotten.

06/06/2021 — I still wonder how different my life would be if the adults in my life that knew what all was happening when I was 16 took action. I know I can’t do the what if’s and should have’s, but what I can do is educate others so they know what to watch for and what they could do if they ever see this happening. What you don’t know can hurt you and others! Trust me I’ve lived with this for 28 years and some days it’s like yesterday. I still have trouble trusting people because of the pain from my childhood and teenage years all because people in my life didn’t understand or know what to do. Most of the people who knew at this time where other teenager and I totally understand why they didn’t know to go get help with the situation. We were all kids still; however, the adults should have known. Do I blame them? Sometimes, but again we can’t go back we can only go forward. I hope that this website not only helps adults understand the signs and what to do when a child/teenager is going through abuse, but other children and teenagers to learn from it so they know what to do if themselves or their friends are going through it. Remembering that you are not alone and that sometimes you have to keep telling people you trust until someone gets you the help you deserve might be one of the first steps to get help. Asking for help is very hard but remember you could even turn it in secretly through the following websites — childhelphotline.org or call/text 1-800-422-4453 -- so it doesn’t come back on you that you reported it.