December 2, 1993

What’s Love

What’s love is it the feeling I have for you or is it the feeling I had for Kansas Boy

Sometimes I wonder because they are totally two different feelings.

What’s love is it countless mistakes or is it mistakes of countless

Sometimes I wonder because I’m making a lot of mistakes this time.

What’s love is it feeling for someone other than friendship or is it a little more than just that

Sometimes I wonder because this feeling I have for you is a lot stronger than a friendship.

What’s love is it happiness or is it confusing

Sometimes I wonder if it can’t be both because when I’m with you I’m happy and when I’m away I’m confused.

What’s love is it the feeling of friendship and more than just friends or is it more like no friendship just love

Sometimes I wonder because we have a friendship with a lot of love mixed into it.

What’s love is it tender at the heart or confusing in the head

Sometimes I wonder if it’s not both because you are tender to my heart, but confusing to my head.

What’s love it’s the feeling I have been trying to explain, get unconfused about, and get over.

What’s love it’s the feeling I just don’t understand, but I know I have it for you, that’s the scary part of it.

Dedicated: Mikey

P.S I love him so much, that’s the truth and that’s scary.

Mikey called at 3:50pm he asked if I called last night and I thought and said no, but I think I did. I’m still not sure. He asked about school and I said getting by. “That’s all”. Then he said I knew you called to get your tire fixed. I said, “That wasn’t me, it was Anna. And I almost killed her for it. She used my full name.” He told me that he just might do it the next time he met up with her. And I told him to call me back in five minutes because my mom calls to check up on me. He said he had to go to the library, and asked how late he could call I said anytime just say your name is Mikey. That’s when I explain what my parents knew him by, that I met him at a football game (true) and his name is Mikey (semi true) and that he’s 17, which I left off (the times 3 minus 6 part) didn’t find out how old he really was until then. I just asked him. He’s 45, I said I thought you were 42 or 43, and I added very quickly that that didn’t matter. He said “OK”. I made him promise to call back and make sure he did. Of course he promised to call on Wednesday the 24th of November, and he didn’t. He made me so happy. Still am for that matter. I hope he calls me back.

I also called Anna's dad, but she wasn’t there yet. I wanted advice on what to say. I don’t wanna mess this up and knowing me I probably will.

06/02/93 — I know some people will say that it was my fault because I “loved” him, but you need to remember this is what Predators do. They make themselves out to be the good guy, and then the victim thinks it’s true love and wonders what they did wrong when the relationship becomes abusive. Even if you think of this has just a normal relationship (forgetting the age difference between 16 and 45), it was an abusive one with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse being involved. During this time, he groomed me for a sexual relationship, that ended up including sexual abuse, sexual assault, attempted rape, Police Sexual Violence, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. There was a time where I honestly thought he loved me and I loved him -- when I first came across AdvocateWeb in 2003, someone suggested reading the following article and replacing Clergy with police officer and it really helped me with the starting of my healing. It wasn't until years that after I left my hometown that I realized that the entire relationship was a sexual exploited by a police officer and once my counselor helped me realize this, then my healing truly began. It took even more years to understand that I wasn’t to blame and it was his fault for doing this. I know as more people read my story there will be people who blame me and that’s not ok, but ok sometimes people just don’t understand what happened until it happens to them or someone they love. The reason for sharing my story is to educate others on what sexual exploited by a police officer really means and the steps that happens during it. The education I’ve been providing can be used for any relationship involving someone in power over someone - police officer, teacher, pastor, counselor, psychiatrist, doctor, principal, coaches, parents, family, friends, friends of siblings or other family members, etc I’m sure I’m missing someone cause the list goes on way to long. Needless to say, you can’t trust someone just because of the title they hold.