December 22, 1993

He called at 4:20 PM and we talked. He always asked “are you OK” always. And today I could honestly say I was happy he asked why and I told him last night and he said but we didn’t get to do much I said I know but just being there made me happy. And I told him how I got mad at Timmy. Told him about my brother being there. I also told him that we went by 45 times and he asked why we didn’t stop and I told him I didn’t want to get him in trouble. He also told me that he thought I would want to talk more and I told him I did. We talked about Christmas break and plans and I told him we would have to plan on a daily basis. I told him more details about Saturday and he reassured me that they wouldn’t have done anything and when I told him that the police start following us he said "and probably ran your plates." We also talked about my wreck and how I fell in love with speeding. And he told me speeding can end in death and he told me to be careful. I told him my average on the curving highway near us, which is 75 to 80, he told me to be careful again. And I told him I will. It’s funny but it sounded like he cared not just a police officer. We talked about the dead end road by his house that’s a jungle and he knew asked me what kind of fun I had down there and I told him just driving around. He kept bringing up TLCASAP and what it really met and I didn’t know what to say. He asked me if I was going to write him again and I said what do you want me to write about. He said what TLCASAP really stands for and what I mean by it. I said I can’t put that in writing he said OK then he started to (well this and that) that’s when I told him to spit it out. He said “you have to make the first move.” I said “I wouldn’t know the first step” he said “to making the first move.” I said “yes.” He said “well I’ve tried to lean on you and touch you and you back off.” I told him and that’s been awhile, unless you’re talking about when you had the beard, and he said yes and I said I get nervous around my own dad when he has a beard. I hate beards it wasn’t you. He said thanks for telling me that and thanked me for telling him that he makes me happy. And that I was probably ready to explode right now. I didn’t quite understand and when I emphasize that he made me happy he said good because I don’t think you’ve been happy for quite a while or felt welcome and I told him he was right and that sometimes I feel like I’m an outcast in my own family. He told me so did he, but he’s still a citizen and we are welcome. I smiled, he always makes me smile, it’s my fucking family that makes me cry. When will I ever get to go away, sometimes I wonder if they would even miss me if I killed myself. But I know Mikey would and even if he would be the only one that cares then I have someone that cares, but I can almost guarantee that my mother does not care about me, enough on that bitch. We made plans to meet at the library and stuff like that I thought mom would let me why is she being such a bitch and how am I going to tell him otherwise. Please God let mom change her mind I know this relationship is wrong but it’s not my fault he’s the only guy (person) that makes me happy like he does. We talked about TLCASAP a lot of the time and he told me that he would do some things. I said OK but if I back off (he said I know) and I went to finish the sentence remember it’s not your fault. He said OK. Then I said it’s just male figures. He asked if I’ve tried working on that and I said I’ve tried he said and you’re trusting. I don’t think I even said anything. I told him that he was the only police officer I trusted and he said and how are you around me now that’s when I said that he was the only one I trusted. I told him that not trusting was the reason why I can’t believe I did all this and that’s when he asked me how I was with him. I asked about him driving to work and he has a ride we are going to call Carla BM in my letters, which I was planning on writing one today or tomorrow, but heck he’s leaving town and won’t be back until Monday the 27th, so what’s the point unless I can talk mom into letting me go after school tomorrow. I told him about my parents telling me to invite him to Christmas dinner and prom and he said negative. I also told him that his birthday was December 15 and he turned 18. And I told him his real birthdate and said I memorize these facts he said that’s good. We talked about how I can’t talk to my parents about being adopted and I told him I put it behind me for a while. He said that’s probably for the best. He makes me so happy God does he do that. He’s one of the few very few that can do that he also told me what he told Mr. Martin which is that it was close game and that it was Timmy’s fault that he didn’t talk to me much. Timmy likes for him to move around a lot. Maybe the next time Timmy won’t be there. We got off the phone at five till five and that’s after him saying I have to go three times. He didn’t want to go anymore than I wanted to let him go. Anyway, I have homework and a bitchy mother to look forward to tonight. I love Mikey so much and he makes me happy, smile, laugh, and enjoyable. I’m glad he listens as well as he does, because if I didn’t have him I would be depressed even more than I usually am, and I would have killed myself by now. He makes me happy and I couldn’t say I was happy for a very long time. He told me he still has to fill out the planner and I told him yeah because I need to put in my plans and then I told him that my mom got me one and now I have to put the one in a safe place so I don’t leave the wrong one out in the open. He said yes you better do that. Then I told him that that was one of the good things about my parents was that they don’t read my stuff. You know he does talk like a boyfriend because when I talk about another boy that was with me he always wants to know what we did, which I don’t mind. He asked about Angie and I said she’s on homebound for her pregnancy he asked how far along she was and I said she’s due late January early February. That’s when he said well I don’t have to worry about getting a girl pregnant because I took care of that along time ago. Then he asked if he was making me embarrassed and I told him no. Exactly was making me happy, just being able to talk to him. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that. Please let mom change her mind I got to see him again and he’ll be out of town for the holidays so I won’t even get to hear his voice for awhile. Please change your mind mom. Dear Mikey, He told me to write you. I’m not for sure how to start or finish this letter or if it’s just going to be one of those that stay in my tablet that I chicken out on giving you. But I’ll try to write some of my feelings. Yes there’s a meaning other than hearing TLCASAP every time we left the city park, but it’s hard for me to explain. To tell you the truth, which to me is a big part of a relationship. Truth, trust, and honesty all three have to be there. Being able to talk to each other is another. So, to tell you the truth I’ve never had a real boyfriend, that has ever really cared for me. I always (I’m not for sure on words but this is what I’m going to use) scare them away. I never let them “touch” me I always back away. I mean never even let them put their arms around me without getting really nervous. That’s probably why I didn’t….

——— 06/07/2021——I have misplaced the rest of this letter and pages 129 to 188 in my journal— I will add it to my story when and if I locate them. I have moved 10 times since moving out of my parents house so there is always the chance that I lost them. 06/07/2021 - So when I was still 16 years old, he was telling me how he was trying to make the first moves. He told me straight out that he had made first moves and that I would back away or get nervous around him. He knew I wasn’t any where near ready to make the next step in the friendship, if he observed the fear, the moving back and getting nervous when he touched me then he knew exactly what he was doing from the beginning on getting me to slowly get use to him touching me so he could get more. He knew I looked up to his friendship, him listening to me, and making me feel like someone cared. The way I would responded with the “it’s not you it’s me” attitude gave him the all clear and he didn’t care that I was still processing things from my past. The more he learned about my past the more he used my past against me! At this point in time, I still felt like it was my fault— I mean I trusted him to tell him stuff from my past, but yet I didn’t trust him to touch me — so I blamed my past and that it must have been me. Please remember to listen to yourself — if you get nervous like this around someone you need to explore the reasons why and not just assume it’s you — because it can be a major red flag. Listen to yourself — you’re smarter than you think.

After you read the almost 3 months of the "relationship" while I was 16 years old you have seen all 6 stages of grooming, which just gets stronger and harder to deal with as I got older. Please read the entire Article on Grooming at Social Responsibility: Six Stages of Sexual Grooming – signs to watch for, report abuse also read the following article on why it was not an Affair at Why It’s Not an Affair by Rev. Patricia L. Liberty