December 6, 1993

He didn’t call back that night, but he called tonight at 4:15 PM we talked until 5 PM that’s 45 minutes the same number as his nickname, which is Mikey-45. (12/29/93 — Same as his age which is really how he got his nickname.) He’s so wonderful, but he’s married, and in love with me (if that’s what you want to call it). Help.

We talked about everything and anything. Yes, I’ll explain. He told me that he couldn’t call Friday and apologized, so I guess I thought he was supposed to call me back that same night (Thursday) and it was supposed to be Friday. But he called the sixth and I have had a nervous feeling ever since.

The seventh he works the game he asked if I was coming and I explain what I was doing that night. (12/29/93 - I found out he wasn’t working the game just going to it when I called on 12/07/93) What he doesn’t know is I’m going to try to call and tell him to meet me at the school when we get out of the meeting. He asked where the party was and what AFS stood for and I told him and when I told him the Country Club. He said, “Oh you’re going rich on me”. I told him it was a going away party for the foreign exchange student and the “parents” were putting it on and then we change the subject.

We talked about my mom and how parents can reject children easily and that I have to remember to be myself not what she wants.

We talked about how mom and I fight a lot. And how my family drinks (alcoholics), my uncle and the gun incident when I was in 8th grade, which this whole phone call I was happy he called, but I was also fighting back tears.

He asked if I was going to start crying on him, and I said no I wasn’t going to.

Then we talked about fuzzy navels and wine coolers my favorite. I explained to him what a fuzzy navel was and then I told him that my curfew changes to 1:30 AM on my 17th birthday. He asked when my birthday was and I told him he said he would have to help celebrate somehow, he could get the fuzzy navels. I thought, “Yeah, and then what.” (12/20/93 - He also asked what drinking did to me and I told him I think it just makes me happy, because I don’t drink a whole lot.)

I joked around about how he kept saying “OK” “you know” and “know what I’m saying”. He says them all the time and everything he says makes me smile, but those make me even more happy.

He kept giving me advice on how I have to be myself. And we got into a conversation on how my freshman year changed my life. And my suicide thoughts. How I always come up with the answer that there is at least one person out there who cares. Mikey asked me who. And I said, “I don’t know all the time, I just know there’s at least one person.” He said “That’s me. I will always be here for you. I do care and dying is not the answer. See, when you think that way it’s because you can’t get any other answer for it.” I almost started crying, but I held the tears back.

We talked about my feelings and by the time we hung up I was in tears, not because of him, but because of my past. Mikey told me that tears are healthy and maybe I need to do it more often.

We also talked about how I couldn’t sleep at night that’s what led into my problems. He told me to say to myself, “I have nothing to think about. And get some sleep.” I thought about him and the phone call all night.

I told him about Grandma being in the hospital and Coach and me being in a fight. We talked about Kansas Boy and how his girlfriend accused me of messing around with him and I told him that she was accusing Kansas Boy, too. Mikey said, “yeah it takes two to tango.”

Wedding Anniversary

1. Play Boy

2. Pad

3. Whip

4. Cherries, bananas, limes

5. Bedpost

6. Handcuffs

7. Blanket

8. Belt Buckle (but who needs one when I’m around.

9. Pudding

10. Motor

15. My sister (NOT! You better keep your hands off your mine)

20. What a trip

25. Chains

30. Necklace (You know what I mean)

35. Fishy, Fishy, Fishy

45. Teddy

50. Condom

55. Teddy

60. Yum

70. Yum

75. Yum here it comes.

6/4/2021 — I didn’t say whether or not I gave this list to him or not, but wow just wow — no words can explain why I even wrote this list down.