December 8, 1993

6:56pm “Soon” was on while I wrote this. My friends and I talked about last night and my feelings for Mikey all day.

4th hour I asked Anna if I ran any stop lights or signs and a classmate overhead. She must have let the bag loose, because my chemistry class asked about it. I didn’t deny it then they asked if that was why I was talking to the cops and I said it was after that. They asked if I knew Mikey (by his real full name) very well. I said “We’re good friends is that ok with you?” Then they started talking negatively about him and I was getting so mad at them. One said “you are falling for him.” And I said “I don’t think so, (which is the truth, because I know so). He said, “yes you are” and Two kept saying “I can’t stand him.” I said “he’s 28 years older than me, I don’t think so.” Three brought up the guy I flirted with for 5 hours and I told him that “that guy was cute and that Mikey (by his real first name) was far from that. Old maybe, but not cute.” And then I sat down with tears in my eyes. They don’t know how much that hurt.

I told Anna that things would change if Mikey didn’t call because he knew I was upset and that would mean he didn’t really care, but if he did call then that would mean he really cares.

And he called at 4:20 we talked until 4:40 about last night and my bad memories. He said, “Oh, I was afraid you were mad at me.” I told him I wasn’t just that it made me upset. Then he said “I want to ask you a question.” “What” I asked. And then he asked the unthinkable, “Why can’t you trust?” I said, “uh, well.” He told me past experiences. I said, “Short of” He then asked, “Have you been hurt?” I said, “Kind a see I have memories that would explain why I can’t trust, but I’m doubting that they ever happened.” He told me he understood and that when that happens to him he would deal with them one at a time and if it’s proven that it’s real then deal with them and if it’s not then forget it and that I have to trust and if it ever builds up to something that makes you not trust then stop hanging around that person. I said, “I trust people it’s just hard and takes awhile.” He told me he understood, but that I really needed to trust. I was about to tell him about 4th grade, but couldn’t get it to come out. Someday soon I’ll admit to him and when I do I’ll have him promise that our relationship won’t change when I do.

He told me that I could trust him. What he doesn’t know is the last time someone said that he ended up hurting me. He almost had me crying again, but like I’ve said it’s never him, it’s my past of mine.

He always said that those smiling words, ok, you know, and you know what I’m saying. Then he said, “I have to go.” And I asked why he said “because I have some errands to do before 5pm” and I said “Ok.” He said “next time we’ll talk longer and I won’t be able to call tomorrow because I’m going out of town for my teeth.” Before that he asked if Megan was coming to the game Friday and I asked “Why?” He said, “because she seems like a tattle tail. I said, “if you don’t want her to then she won’t.” He told me he didn’t want her too, but he didn’t want her to get mad. I said, “she won’t I’ll explain something to her”. He said, “Ok.”

I explained my theory on her because she’s so young and doing stuff adults shouldn’t even do. He understood, then asked about the other one and I told him that she wouldn’t tell anyone. We planned where we were setting on Friday— girls side if down and if not boys side. We had plans to go to the game Friday. Can’t wait.

Caroline, Anna, and I will be there, but Mikey will learn to be himself around Caroline soon. What a week?

10/23/2003 — WOW. I mean he tells me all this stuff about trust, and yet he hurts me so deep I’m still not over it. He says if there’s a reason to stop trusting someone to stop hanging out with them, but yet he never taught me how to stop hanging out with them when they threaten you and/or your friends, how to get help when they turn violent, or when the start using your fears against you. -- he held things against me knowing that I would be to scared to get away or get any help.

06/04/2021 — It still takes me a long time to trust people and if I put them on my trust list it’s something they should be proud of because I don’t trust many people especially police officers even after all this time I only have maybe a handful of police officers I have put on my trust list and even fewer I put on my friends list. I have gotten to the point where even through I don’t know them well enough to consider them friends or totally trust them, I know that most of the officers I’m around now are good ones and would protect the victim. I also trust the sheriff where I live enough that if I did have any trouble with a deputy or officer at any time, I could go straight to him and tell him what was going on and he would do something about it. It is hard to trust after you’ve gone through all I’ve gone through and the police officers kept getting by with it, but through the years I have learned that I can’t blame all police officers for the bad ones in my life. I’ve also learned that if I’m in a bad situation that it is safe to call 911 even though I don’t know what police officer will show up. Healing is one moment at a time — one minute I feel like I have healed completely and the next minute I can feel like it’s all happening all over again. Like I’m right there going through it over and over again.