December 9, 1993

I love Mikey, he means the world to me. I mean the world to him, too. Because love works both ways. I wrote that after my meeting third hour, which I’ll explain in a little while I don’t have the time right now. And I’ll rewrite the five page letter I wrote him.

Dear Mikey,

My mom and I yelled for two hours last night because all my friends were calling. I had five phone calls, six counting you, but she doesn’t know that. But the one that got me in trouble was with Anna. We started talking about you in he form and about Tuesday and about Tuesday Night (about everything, especially the way I was driving) But mom heard and told me that if I didn’t have a last name by Thursday night I can’t go out Friday. So I acted like Anna had a diary, she wrote everything in and we figured out a last name.

First of all, I told her that you didn’t live around here and that it was long distance for me to call you that’s why I never called. You also have a strict mom and two sisters. Your birthday is December 15. She believes me then Anna and I made up a name for you. We told mom that Mikey was a nickname you got playing football when you were in high school. You graduated last year and you’re 17.

She believes me and I got in and got her off my back. But you are right don’t call past 5:15 PM because even if I answered we wouldn’t be able to talk much about anything, because she listens to me when I talk on the phone, but she only gets one side (we have one phone, but it reaches to my room, so usually that’s where I go to talk and sometimes I even whisper - hard to believe).

When I told her the name, she looked it up in the phonebook and I told her it was unlisted phone number and she goes “I know, but my supervisor isn’t”. Then when I got madder and told her if she even thought about asking her for information she wouldn’t have a daughter to talk to and she laughed and said “I’m joking”. Well, she might’ve been, but when we’re in the middle of a fight I don’t take anything she says as a joke.

I told her that my brother has lots of friends that she doesn’t know the last name of she said “right and he’s 18 and you are 16”. I told her even when he was 16 he had friends she didn’t know.

Then she yelled, “well you’re not him, if you were more like him our family wouldn’t be in fights all the time." I wish she would get this in her brain and truly believe it. I’m not my brother, never have never will be. That’s when I got madder and yelled, “You and him fight a hell of a lot more than you and me now and if you want me to be more like my brother then next Friday night you’ll be seeing me in jail because I’m going to get drunk and do something stupid”. She told me that as long as when I’m around the house I acted more like him I’d be fine. so I said, “OK I won’t do the dishes or clean the house, which wouldn’t get ever get done if I didn’t do it”. Of course that’s when she denied that I do almost everything in the house. I average three hours of homework plus cleaning the house. I haven’t watch TV for over a week.

Then my spelling grades got brought up. Spelling is my worst enemy and she knows that. I told her I was doing my best and she told me I wasn’t because she could look at my current other grades and know the difference. I told her that everybody has flaws in some thing and spelling just happens to be mine. Then she asked me how I was going to make it through college and all I said was because I want to and therefore I will do whatever it takes to do it, and it’s not because you want me to. I’ve wanted to go to college since I was four and I will do it. I’ll be the first on my dad's side, but I’m going to do it even if it’s just to get out from under her roof, that’s not my only reason. I have to go to college to be able to be a teacher or a counselor and I will do it. Then she told me that there would be no way I would become a publisher writer, because I can’t spell. I told her if she would ever read any of my stuff maybe she would realize that I am capable of it, at least that’s what my friends say. And she just said you won’t let me. That’s when I told her that I’ve wanted her to read “Living A Nightmare” for over a year now and she won’t do it. She said that’s because you’ll never get the ending done. I told her I would and she would be the last person I dedicated it to. Then I went back to my homework and told her to shut up and leave me alone. She went back to watching TV.

I started that book on March 30, 1992 and I’m on chapter 20 page 267. There is 142 written pages typed with chapter 17, 18, 19 and part of 20 to type. I’ll get it published just to prove her wrong if it’s the last thing I do.

I’m in American History, most of the time when we have videos I’m either writing someone or sleeping, but I slept a little better last night, but Tuesday night I slept all night. You know why. Last night the only time I wasn’t sleeping was when I woke up from a nightmare, which was from what I got so upset on Tuesday. Of course I’m used to them, but they still get me upset, but so do a lot of things.

No I can’t tell you what it is not yet OK. It’s not you. I just have a real hard time talking about it. Heck, I even have to hold back tears when I’m writing this down. I’m still not for sure if it really happened or remember getting from what happened and it does explain why I don’t trust police officers or any males for that matter. If you want to know you are the only police officer I trust and even that took a little while to conquer. But the advice you have been giving me lately has helped. Thanks.

I have to say one thing “sorry this letter is so long and I’ll ask you if you want to read it or not, if you don’t then I’ll throw it away and if you do I’ll give it to you. It’s almost 5 pages long”.

If you do decide to read it, either make darn sure nobody else reads it or throw it away after you read it. You know I’m a little nervous on letting you read this because the last time I wrote a letter to a friend of mine he stop talking to me (Coach) that’s who I’m talking about, but as long as you promise I’ll let you read it. It’s long so I’ll let you go.

You know who.

06/05/2021 — I was able to talk to him about a lot of things and the more he called the more I opened up on the things the bothered me throughout my life. He would often tell me I needed to let go of the past and stop blaming him and others for it as he was not the one that hurt me, and yet after I let my guard down and thought he was correct that I should be able to trust him and I’m not because I blamed him for what happened in 4th grade — then he turned out to be the very type of police officer I was afraid of — instead of being the type to protect the victim he was the type to cause the person to be the victim. So many people warned me about him during this time, but I thought something was wrong with me. I’m glad I finally figured it out that nothing was wrong with me I was just a 16 year old trying to find someone to love me, which is a common thing for most 16 year old to be doing. Mikey was the one that was old enough to know he shouldn’t have encouraged any of this relationship, especially the touching part of it. Mikey was the one that took advantage of a teenager, who didn’t feel loved, wanted, or cared about. — even though through the years I found out how wrong I was it’s how I felt at the time. He knew I was suicidal and that I was afraid to go to adults about anything going on in my life, especially when it involves a police officer — I trust him with this information and then he ended up using it against me. It was Mikey’s fault, blame, shame, and secret to carry — not mine!! Realizing this has helped me to find my voice to share my story, and I won’t stop sharing the secret that was not mine to carry for all this years!

Third hour we had a group session and a lot of the time we talked about Mikey. How old he was, how he was a secret to my family, how he cheats on his friends and how Caroline thinks he’s using me. I don’t really know what to think. The counselor, Lewis, wanted to know what he did for a living and all that stuff and when I told him I didn’t want him to get in trouble he asked if we’ve done anything and I said no. He asked if things will change when I get of age. And I told him I didn’t know, but that it would still be a secret of who he is. I’m almost sure he knows he’s married, but I really don’t care I do care about him and not getting him in trouble. Lewis knows Mikey wants to go to my house over Christmas break and help celebrate my birthday and how Caroline feels. Life goes on and it might be with him.

That night Anna and I went to the nursing home and Mikey's wife was working. She didn’t know that I was JayCee, but she got on to Carla and said she wished she could yell at this JayCee friend of Carla’s because you two almost caused a divorce. I wanted to say I didn’t even call her that was all Anna not me. She told us that after the girl called about the flat she got a detective on the case and they found out that there was a 34 year old with that name and married with a kid that lives in town. Her husband had told her that Anna had a friend that was 18 name JayCee and that’s the only person he could think of. Then she told us that she almost went over to the 34-year-old‘s house and that would have been dangerous because she would have been innocent. Then she told us that if we ever needed help again to make sure we tell her who we are and all that stuff, because we caused a lot of trouble. She said that her husband said I was 18 I’m not even 17 yet, but life goes on.

He supposed to go to the game tonight. I can’t wait because she really got me mad and she was very mad at us. And I will tell Mikey that if they get a divorce it won’t be my fault. It will just cause everything to be better. I love him and she doesn’t. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but he does deserve better. The funny thing is we are so close and she doesn’t even think he’s involved with me. If she only knew who she was talking to.

The way I see it is if she wants to look for someone to blame she better look at yourself, because I’m not the one. He deserves someone who will love him till death do us part, through sickness and in health through bad times and good. That’s not her. From what I understand he hasn’t even had sex with her for a while. I’m sick of always getting blamed for divorce. I’m easy to blame everything on, but I am not to blame on this one. Like Mikey said awhile back while we talked about mom and I fighting all the time. I said some times I feel like it’s my fault because I always do something to cause one and I try my hardest not to. Mikey cut me off and said “you aren’t the one to blame it’s someone that wants to fight and since you are trying not to, it’s not you.” I said “I know but sometimes it is my fault.” And he said “maybe sometimes, but not always and probably not even most of the time.”

I don’t blame myself on her and her husband getting a divorce because for one thing I’m not the first and I probably won’t be the last. Before they get a divorce, I’ll have a broken heart. I hope not, but it will probably happen.

Another reason I don’t blame myself is because trust has to be in a marriage and it shows that isn’t in theirs, because she had a detective out that’s proof and she admitted that she thinks he was having an affair with this older chick, to me and Carla. And there has to be love which from what I can tell it’s not there. I miss Mikey so much I can’t wait until Friday.

So I don’t believe I’m the one to blame. Why don’t you look at yourself and realize that you caused the damage along time ago.

Mikey was out of town, so he wouldn’t be able to call or come to the game, sad of course, but we talked about him at the game and Ms. Mattson asked who he was besides the nickname Mikey and that I should be proud of him and say his name. I started wondering about what she had said and she was right, but I can’t let the bag out and you know why. I told her as she left what it was (the name I gave my mom that is) and of course she didn’t know him. I don’t want him to get in trouble, but I want to see him and talk to him more often.

10/23/2003 — I don’t believe this anymore. I still don’t think I’m to blame for the divorce that happened after I was already married to Michael, but I don’t think She is either. In fact I believe she deserves a lot better than Mikey and she should have left the SOB a long time ago. According to Anna, she’s remarried and is having a happy life now. I can’t remember when Carla told me this, but it’s been a while. I’m very happy for her. I just hope Mikey doesn’t affect her life as much as he still affects mine. Another thing about all this is if he was only there to help me and be there for me, then why did he make sure I kept our relationship so secretive?

December 9, 1994

When I saw you last

When I saw you last you barely acted like you knew me, but when you called and made me see the love we really share.

When I saw you last my friends all laughed, stare, and wondered how I could love someone like you but then you called and made me realize that it’s not my friends heart you’re loving.

When I saw you last I only knew you for two months and six days I wonder how I could have this strong of a feeling for you but then you called and made me realize that when it comes to you, love comes in a very short time.

When I saw you last you were worried about my mom and I got upset about that, too but then you called and made me realize that you have every right to be worried. \

When I saw you last you along with all the other guys made me cry but then you called and made me realize that it wasn’t you that got me upset it was my past and I have to learn to live with it.

When I saw you last I got so upset I took it out on everybody, except the person who deserves it, but since I don’t know who that is, I couldn’t really do that. But when you called and made me realize that I don’t know who to blame, I can’t blame anyone else.

When I saw you last I got so upset, I did crazy things to get over it but then you called and made me realize that that only works for a very short time.

When I saw you last I sped across town, run stop sign and stop lights and was happy you police officers weren’t doing your job, but then you called and made me realize that all I did was put my friends and me in danger for no reason and that I should have talk to someone about the problem not drink it away.

But when I saw you last I’m glad I realize that you did care all because you called the very next day.

Dedicated Mikey.

06/05/2021 — I also learned from others that Mikey beat and threaten his wife throughout their marriage. She was afraid to go to anyone for help because of the gun he always wore and his co-workers — sounded so much like what I went through. Anna had a chance to talk to her once before she passed away — I wish I could have been there too. Anyway Anna stated that She didn’t blame me when I said I hope She didn’t blame me for what happened back then. Anna said in fact She hoped that I didn’t blame her due to her not being able to stop him from hurting me. She told Anna that she was never able to stop him from hurting those around her. (I wonder how many victims she knew about, but was to afraid to do anything about it.) I don’t blame her she didn’t know how young I was and didn’t know everything that was happening like some of the adults in my life who knew and did nothing, I have never blamed her for what he did. Anna said that She cried the day Anna told her that I was only 16 when it all started and was able to leave for college at 18. She told Anna to apologize for her, and Anna told her she wasn’t the one that needed to apologize and that it wasn’t her fault. She asked Anna if I had been able to go on with life and Anna told her that I had been able to get married and have a family of my own, but still had nightmares and flashbacks of what he did to me. I’m glad Anna was able to have this conversation just wish I could have been there to. I think it would have helped both her and myself, but needless to say, I will never get to have this conversation because once again God took the good on and left the bad one to fuck with people's heads (this will make more since when you get to my journal in Dec 1994, when I lost a great friend to two teenager shooting him and another police officer.)