January 13, 1994

Well, I can’t get sex off my mind I know that’s normal for me, but this is different. I have this weird feeling Mikey’s going to be my first. I’m a little nervous because of my beliefs but it’s also because of what if we did get caught or was found out about even if I wasn’t Catholic I would be nervous about that one. He’s 45 to my 17 doesn’t that sound sick, but to me it’s love. I love him, not because of looks but because of the way he treats me. He treats me with respect. I wonder if he’s the same way with his daughters. I wonder if he’s the type of dad I wish I had, but from the way he treats me I think it’s more than a daughter-father relationship we have between us (or it would be sick) even if he’s old enough to be just that. So I can talk to him about everything and anything that should be a father-daughter but there’s more than that between us I swear to that. Because if that was what we had (another words if he was my father our relationship would be sick). I love him doesn’t that mean anything.

Anyway I found out today that when you have your first time that you need to do it fast and get it over with because it hurts more doing it slow. I wonder what Mikey would say on that one. I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me on purpose, but my first time will hurt and whoever is the “lucky” guy to have that present from me will hurt me, but not on purpose. It’s just a state of a fact it happens on the first time. I never thought I’d be put in this kind of a situation, but he says that beliefs keep you away from the fun things in life. I want to know what he wants to do in this relationship and the next time he calls I’m going to ask. God, please don’t let it only be sex because I don’t want to go that far, but yet I’m thinking more and more about it. I’ve made it this far and I’m going to try to go for a marriage, but what if one thing leads to another that’s what I’m afraid of and the only reason I have protection just in case. Please don’t let him get in trouble, we love each other too much for that to happen but I still want some answers from him. I want to hear those famous sayings of his which are 1) Know what I’m saying, 2) You know, 3) Okay, 4) I hear you there. They make me so happy of course so does he - they both make me smile, but it’s mainly him.

Well I guess this has every right to be in this too, Caroline and I are fighting she slipped too many times and I chewed her out for it this morning I apologized, but I promised myself I wouldn’t tell her details on what’s going on with Mikey and I. I wouldn’t have gotten mad, but she said "you mean his wife". And she said it loudly. I talked to Anna about it, if this ever got out it would be embarrassing for my family and his that’s what I’m trying to keep out of this relationship. Anna agreed with me and I’m not telling her details and I thought about telling her I didn’t want to take her to the game, but I didn’t. She waited for me after first hour and we didn’t talk much. Then we didn’t say anything to each other until she called me tonight. Aubree jumped my case on it and I explained my feelings and she understood what I meant. Anyway when Caroline call she told me that she told Heather that our relationship wasn’t going to last for long and I asked why she told her that and she said because of the way you’re treating me. I said I have already apologized about that, but now it’s up to you to keep our friendship going because I’m not. I’m sick of it all. So now I see what a boyfriend can really do to a friendship they make the truth come out after 16 years of not knowing it. She’s not the person to trust I wouldn’t listen to anyone until I found out myself and now that I have I’m not going to tell her details that I’m not even sure if we’ll have a friendship to hold on for long. And believe me I have blackmail to use if it has to. If she tells anyone about Mikey I will tell about the guy she's with and even though any true friend of mine knows I wouldn’t do that - it’s still that chance and I will tell her that I will do it. And if this morning causes us to break up a relationship then it does because it’s always her her her. And I’m sick of it. It’s always negative stuff about her mom and that’s hard on me, she knows that but she still has to talk to me about it. Well needless to say things will change. This next thing was her choice I asked her if she still wanted to go to the game Monday with me and she said no. I’m going to have her stick to that because unless things change that also means I’m not picking her up on Monday either. It’s up to her if she comes to me tomorrow morning, because I will not go to her. I’m sick of it.

PRIMERO,

Well, today wasn’t the best but this might sound stupid, but it’s like my mind knows when you’ll call and when you won’t because the days you don’t call my school day sucks and when you do they are excellent. Doesn’t make sense to me. When I really need a shoulder to lean on the best there is, isn’t around to be found. (I don’t mean that in a negative way because I understand when you don’t call. I really do.)

Ever since I turned on the radio, every song has reminded me of you and usually that makes me happy, but this time even writing you, thinking about you and rereading about you isn’t helping. I guess you want to know what’s going on. Well, you remember the girl Caroline the one that was really quiet the first day you met her. Well she and I are fighting. My youngest Aunt - she’s 21 -warned me about a thing she calls friendship jealousy. She told me about it when she was 16 and I was 12. She had just started dating. Well, I still remember her explanation. And it’s happening to me. That’s when a person starts going out with someone and a close friend of that person doesn’t have a boyfriend. That friend will get real mad and stop hanging around you until either she get a boyfriend so she can fit in or the other person breaks up with the guy. Well I’ll promise you one thing that’s not going to happen. If Caroline wants to break off our friendship (that’s sad) but I’m not going to let her break us up to. I love you too much to lose you because of her especially when we can be friends at the same time as me and you are going together. Even if we don’t break off our friendship she’s not going to be knowing much about you anymore because of the way she’s treating me and she says I’m treating her. But she slipped too many times and if this gets out it will be embarrassing for my family and yours not even thinking about us. And to tell you the truth I’m more worried about the families and you getting in trouble than myself - as long as I’m happy right now then I’m fine, but in the long run I don’t want everybody else to get hurt. Understand. I will talk to you about all of this but I won’t give you this letter. I’m afraid it will cause trouble.

Anyway after this section of this notebook I’m going to use code on everything I’ll tell you them over the phone. At first I might get confused, but once I’m used to it it will work out for the best, because as it is right now if anyone got this tablet they could pinpoint who it is whether your name is in it or isn’t in it anywhere. Which this one is almost full therefore the next one will be all coded and this one will be hid in my room under my water bed. My parents don’t even know I’m keeping it so nobody will ever look for it, therefore they won’t read it and they don’t go through my drawers that’s another positive about my parents.

Mom got mad at me last night. Because I made a C+ in English Lit. We yelled for 15 minutes said that if I didn’t get it to a B that she would take my car away. Well she can stick that crap up her f***** a** for all I care because I’m sick of it and if I’m doing my best then I’m doing my best that’s all a person can do. Right.

We talked about prom tonight and she asked if I asked anyone and I said yes but Mikey doesn’t like proms so he said no with an added comment of "but don’t let me stop you from going". Then she asked me, so you’re still planning on going to prom. And I said yes I am and then she said so ask someone else. I said no Kenny said no and I’m not going to ask anyone else because at this moment in time he’s the only one that I’d want to be with. I said, “he means a lot to me and he cares about me. He makes me happy, mom you know that’s hard for anyone to do”. And she said “I know I’ve never learned how to do that maybe I can take some lessons from him. And if he’s so fantastic why won’t he let us meet him”. I told her that I had to know for sure if it would last and if it’s as good as I think that the minute we go out on a date by ourselves you’ll meet him. But so far we don’t have any plans on us going on a date where he picks me up and she said give it time. If he’s as wonderful as you say he is he won’t want to stay away from you for long because you have to be two times sweeter than he is. I left the room after that, because just the other night she said just give him time if he’s as good as you say he is he’ll leave you soon because he deserves better you never know about her one minute you’re great and the next you’re so stupid that you can’t spell the word A. I’m sick of her, too. Sometimes I wish I could just end it all, but I have you now and will make it through the fighting with you by my side. But I’m getting along with her better than a year or two ago every year we fight less and less they say you grow out of fighting with parents - that it’s one of those teenage things but they never said that you start when you’re 5 and never been able to talk to her. I think my situation is a little different than teenagers thinking parents are so stupid. Because I’m smart enough to realize that if and only if I could trust my parents with my problems they would probably have a lot of the answers and could help me out. They were teenagers once to and even though I’m a teenager of the 90s and them of the 70s a lot of it has not changed. But I just don’t know how to talk to a mom that yells at you before you even get out the first sentence of the problem. I wish I could have a better relationship with her but I can’t I’ve tried for years and still trying I know little about her childhood and she knows little about mine. Just like our teenage years. I know she had a scholarship to go to Warrensburg college instead she married dad and had my brother and I soon after. I feel she’s afraid I’m going to make the same mistake. What she doesn’t realize is that I’m not her and I’m making my own mistakes not hers. I have to learn to forget and forgive through all of them and I don’t always do that. I’m good at holding grudges — that I get from my dad side of the family.

If you want me to I’ll find “Buddy Boys” - it’s a good book. You can read it sometime and when you’re done give it back OK but I’ll have to find it. See “Buddy Boys” I’ve read twice now and I love it more every time I read it, but tomorrow night I’m going to try and finish “Villette” I have 420 more pages to read I average 20 to 30 pages an hour or so 420÷20 is 21 hours to go and I won’t read that long but I’ll read as much as I can this weekend. 7 hours a day to finish the book I’ll try, but if I don’t I have until the 19th. I have to have two nights to write the book report. Anyway, and that’s English lit.

It’s 8PM and at 7:14 I was writing this letter too and our song came on you remember TLCASAP. Some would come in handy right now about now. All these love songs are making me tired but yet happier. I’m actually worried about Caroline it’s hurt to throw away a 16 year old friendship but when it happens it happens. Remember I’m starting my codes. Love me.