January 4, 1994

I got a keychain from a friend today it will always remind me of Mikey since the following also happened today. We were supposed to meet at the library at 4 PM I saw him and his car starting so I went around the block by the time I got back he was gone I went by the library, police station and he wasn’t there then I went all the way out to Walmart and turned around.

One time I went by the station with my radio real loud and police officers were coming out I turned it down real quick. Then another time I was going by the police station and he was walking the sidewalk I gave him the peace sign and he smiled. I went back by the station and another officer was coming out.

Then I parked and I waited for him, he pulled up right behind me. He came up and he talked a little he gave me a Penthouse magazine and I think I blushed. He told me I didn’t have to read it but if I wanted to I could. When he first gave it to me he said “here I have something I want you to read.” I told him I would be in there in a little while he said “OK”

When I got in he was looking for books for his family tree. When he finally sat down I smiled. I gave him the letters and he read them. He played footsie (rubbed my legs) and kept asking if I was OK so finally I wrote I like it, I just don’t know how to react to it and he said “anything just don’t hit me.” (I thought that goes for you too, but I didn’t say it).

As he read the six page letter he kept making comments like the letters can be as long as I wanted them to be. What kind of negative stuff was being said I told him just cop stuff and he said yeah that comes with the job and stuff like that and he said they have their right to have an opinion. I gave him some red hot candies. I reminded him about my poem and he smiled and then we forgot all about it.

Then asked if his real name was used in here and I said "no" he said "because it was in here", pointing at the letter I said "oh yeah that one time, but like I said no one reads it". He said "good".

We talked about Anna and her Grandma. After I wrote that I didn’t know how to react he tried to asked me something so he wrote it down on another piece of paper. “Why your place? You know I might hold you tenderly if I come over.” I wrote maybe but I think I should have put I know. It kind of made me want to cry, but that was some other times tonight too. I mean I just don’t know how to react if he does something. But I smile instead.

When he was playing footsie he got up and rubbed my shoulders right before he got up he winked at me. I got nervous for the first time in a long time (his beard) he also told me he would shaved by tomorrow I said “you better”.

He asked me if I was going to read that book and I was thinking about the one I checked out he said “the one I gave you”. “oh” I replied. I told him I would.

I asked him about what he was doing and he said “family tree” I told him again he said still. I said I wouldn’t even want to start mine my grandpa‘s mom was married four times he said “sounds like that would be fun”. I said “and he’s from the first””. And my Aunt is a writer”, that’s when he asked if I was going to read the book.

He started playing footsie again and stopped. I wrote you don’t have to stop he said “it’s the other people”. Then he got up and when he came back he rubbed his whole body up against me — that made me nervous I hope he understands if I back away from him. Why do I get nervous around the people I love and trust. It’s making me so mad. He got to talking to other people and I was getting upset because it was almost time for me to go.

When we finally left he stopped at my car and we talked for a little while. He asked about the book and I told him I had to hide it from my parents and he said “I hear you there” another one of his favorite lines. He asked if I was putting it away and I told him yes. I told him about mom getting there 30 seconds after he left the last time. He said “it was cutting it close but at least we had the 30 seconds.” He talked about coming out tomorrow night and that he forgot the directions. I told him I’d rewrite them he said “that wouldn’t do any good for tomorrow night”. I told him to call first to make sure it’s OK then I told him to just come out and if there’s… I stopped and said no because there won’t be an extra car so just call to make sure and then he said “and I’ll go out by my friends and I’ll just have to be careful”. Then I told him that I really had to go and would have to speed home he left and I was ready to go when he repaired and I almost screamed, but realized who it was fast enough. I really have to tell him no fast moves it makes me nervous for a little while afterwards. I followed him up a street and then went by the police station and went home. I followed mom home after we turned onto the county road. I miss him already. God I can’t wait until tomorrow I love him so much, I just wish I could see him more. He asked about the “tablet” and I showed him what page I was on. And he said “you must really be letting your feelings out”. He also told me that when I talked I don’t talk in paragraphs, you just let it flow out, so why write in them, that’s the comment he told me on writing paragraphs. Now that I have something he wrote I’ll be able to smile more often all I have to do is read it. Enough on last night.

Before this happened, fourth hour Heather took me over to the elementary school and told me that it was 18 not 17 that made me scared for Mikey’s sake we talked about how my boyfriend was helping more than the sessions were, but she was afraid if we ever broke up. Then she asked if it bothered me him being older and I told her that my parents think he’s 18 and she said “oh” and I told her most of my boyfriends were older. And that there’s only two guys that really mean anything to me. She asked “Who” I told her about Darcy, and then Mikey. She said “I kind of figured that one”.

I asked Aubree for help because I was scared for his sake and the charges because I wasn’t for sure if I could wait a year. She told me dad wouldn’t press charges on him if I loved him, but to wait until the divorce was final and that would probably be a year, but they could prove that I had sex but not with whom.

Afternoon tonight and even before I realize that he’s old enough that on this one he can decide whether or not to do it and he can pay the price. I’m not the one to blame if he gets in trouble, but yet I don’t want him to get in trouble. I love him. It’s his shots, but my life and I don’t want to let him do the wrong shots in my life. Please don’t let him get in trouble it’s not my fault it’s not. But I’ll try to keep him from trying to get in any trouble.

06/22/2021 -- I don't even know where to begin on my reflection. I get so angry when reading that this 45 year old police officer gave a teenager, who only turned 17 the week before, a Penthouse Magazine. That magazine was what introduced me to things I had never heard of. As you read more of the journal, you will learn how new I was to this adult world. I would probably go to jail if I ever found out an adult (especially a police officer, who is supposed to protect teenager not hurt them) gave my daughter one of those kinds of magazines. I have so many things I want to say to him, but I keep going by knowing that what he did was wrong and I will help others see the red flags before it's too late like it was for me.