November 10, 1993

We lost the game, but I didn’t really pay attention to the game. This is the game Mikey promise to pay my way in and I realized I was falling for him. I had a lot of fun that night.

Anna and I got there real early and help set up the concession stands. Then we found Mikey, actually he found us. I told him that the game went up to $4 instead of $2. He told me that I better be glad he took extra money along. I also told him I had to pay Coach the next day. He gave it to me. We joked around all night long about everything like normal.

I gave him the keychain and he smiled. Later that night, I explained it to him and he just laughed and said, “anytime, anyplace, anywhere.” We laughed. We also spent a lot of time alone. I will give him the peace sign and say peace minus one. He didn’t get it until I explained it and then he repeated “anytime, anyplace, anywhere.” I hit him and he said “if you hit me one more time I’m going to hit you with my fist and put handcuffs on your wrist.” As he made a fist. This bothered me, but I just went on and told him that it rhymed. Anna informed me that he wouldn’t really do it. We also walked around the track twice and talked about my grades and future plans. And how I was in group therapy he wanted to know why and I hesitated, but we talked about it all. I also talked about how sometimes I just wish I could die or get out of this town.

Then he told me he had to go to the bathroom and I followed him to get with Anna. He told me that needless to say he couldn’t have any help. I said “I know.”

I also saw another friend and we joked around. I gained a hat, lost my $3 (I had bought a cheeseburger) and didn’t realize it. I was so hyper. Mr. Powell was talking to me and I was running back-and-forth with the hat, which I still have.

When I finally realized I had lost my money it was after halftime and we went back to every place I have been, except around the track. Anna and Mikey kept telling me it was hopeless and both of them checked my pockets. I was kind of nervous for the first time (other than when he said he would hit me) that night. Then we went over by Mr. Powell. He asked what we had lost and I said $3 he said "didn’t see it". I said, “and wouldn’t say if you did”. Then we went over by Ms. Ward and Ms. Gold — it was laying on a pile of leaves. Luck was with me.

Anna and Lydia was trying to talk me into buying some food. I bought another cheeseburger and it was burnt I got another one and gave part of it to Lydia, Anna, and saved the rest for Mikey.

Mikey and I started walking around the track for the second time. We talked for a while with another friend of ours and went on. I gave him the rest of the cheeseburger and when he got over to the other side a kid was doing something and he stopped real fast. The student started laughing right away. Mikey and I waited until we got away from the school and then we started laughing, too.

I explained to all my teachers that he was a friend of mine and they told me that they were glad for that. When I told Coach he said, “yeah with the lights blaring behind you”. I told him that he had to remember that I didn’t have a car yet.

I had so much fun and talking to him about the group sessions really helped. We didn’t go into a lot of details, but what I did say helps keep the knife off my wrist. He has really stopped me from thinking about killing myself, but sometimes I still wonder if this is the answer. I wasn’t nervous at all that night, except when he said he would hit me and when he checked my pockets. I told him how I was blamed and he said sounds like your mother is the one who needs the therapy. He made me explain why I didn’t like Lydia. He told me that “You have to remember to be yourself and your best, because you can never be someone else.”

What a night? It was so great. I also left when Timmy came over because of all the charges he’s having against him, and my fears of police officers. Boy, does he remind me of my past! Last week after seeing him for the first time the nightmares came flooding back. I think he was involved that day, and with the charges up against him it just backs up the type of the man he is. Anyway, Mikey doesn’t know about that. (12/23/93 — He still doesn’t know. I wonder if things will change when he finds out. I did write a letter and let him read “What’s Fear”. But I don’t know his reaction yet. Tell you when I find out on that date.)

10/23/2003 — I wonder if anyone would understand what I’m about to say, but here goes. When I reread this, I get so sick to my stomach. How stupid was I back then. Why did I allow myself to trust him? During this time, I had no idea what he would later become. I didn’t have the knowledge and understanding of life’s situations like I do now, but damn it how could I not see all the signs that were adding up so damn fast. He was 45 and I was 16, this should have been the first red flag, but yet it did feel good having someone care as much as I thought he did at the time. Blame? Maybe that shouldn’t be the question, but it often is, and I really can’t always answer it. I know educationally that I’m not to blame, but mentally I don’t always believe it. I’m doing better as time passes but sometimes it’s still hard to believe that it wasn't my fault that this happened.

05/31/2021 -- Who would know that it was just an act to get farther when I was older? Some people say anyone who is smart would have seen that coming, but unless you have been there you can’t say smart vs stupid! It’s more young vs older or the fact that now we have more experiences to learn from. I know at 44, if these same conversation would have started I would be smart enough to stay away from the guy, but that’s because I have learned from the experiences I’ve went through. I’m hoping me sharing my story allows at least one teenager to Recognize the red flags before they have to experience them for themselves.