January 5, 1994

I’ve been asking for advice from Anna, Lynn, Aubree, and Caroline. Carry knows too, but I’m not going to tell anyone else. Too many people know as it is. I’m not that nervous, I’m just scared — I don’t want him to get in trouble at any time. I love him, so much. They say you remember your first time in every little detail, I don’t have to go all the way to remember Mikey forever.

I read the magazine and boy did I get learn some stuff. I read some, skim some, and I can’t read the female/female. I learned that women cum as well as men do, everybody either knew it or acted like they did except Caroline so I wasn’t the only stupid one. I need a lot of advice in a little time.

I hope he didn’t give me that as a hint of wanting to do some of of that stuff. I also learned that when you get ate out, they put their tongue in your vagina — I don’t know how far. Anyway we’ll see what happens tonight I hope we don’t go too far to quick, I love him, but that doesn’t mean I have to have sex with him or does it?

Dear Mikey,

I can’t wait until tonight. If you haven’t guessed, I’m a little nervous about it, even though I know you won’t do anything I don’t want to do. See I’m not for sure what I want to do and what I don’t want to do anymore. Yes, I read the magazine except the female/female.

The main reason I’m writing you today is to tell you not to make any fast moves. See last night at the library when you rubbed your body against mine it kind of made me nervous. I didn’t want to tell you that then. I don’t mind you touching me, but you can’t make fast or sudden moves and then when I was in the car you had left and then you suddenly was back. I almost screamed before I realized it was you. Didn’t want you to get the wrong idea so no fast moves because (believe it or not) I love it when you touch me. I might not be able to show it as well as I’d like to, but I do.

Another thing if you haven’t guessed you’re giving me a lot of my first and you’ll probably give me a lot more. But that also means I don’t always know what to say or do hope you understand. You’re my first person I really care about and vice versa. You’re the first guy I’ve trusted, that made me smile, happy, and laugh. First to ever really touched me and I wanted it. I know with you that you will listen to my no’s or stops, but yet I get nervous and scared. You are my first that I see as much as possible. First that I really share my feelings for (but not who they really are).

Kansas Boy was my first true love and those feelings lasted from the first time I met him to the first day I started trusting you. I’m glad I’m over him because I don’t think I could or would live without you. That’s another first. I’ve never thought I’d live for a guy, but I am. Every time I get depressed I think about you and I’m happy again. Oh the problem is still there, but I realize I can get over it better than I used to thanks for you being there for me.

Like I said I don’t always know how to react, so don’t think I don’t want it until I tell you "no" or "stop it" then you’ll know I don’t want whatever it is. (Okay)

Never guess what class I’m in (you bet) American History. I’m so happy about tonight I’m sad does that make any sense to you, because it doesn’t to me. See what I mean is I’m happy and can’t wait, but I’m sad because it feels like it’s a lifetime away. When I told you nobody reads the tablet I should’ve said nobody from around here. Do you remember Charlotte well I’m letting her read it she’s on page 88 December 15th, 1993 and she’ll read more the next time she’s out. See like I’ve told you before we don’t keep nothing from each other so instead of me telling her everything we done I let her read it, while I wrote a poem called “love is there”. She had some laughs which she told me about and I laughed too. Especially the rants it was the day of the Parade I was so terrified of you and crying when you were in the house getting your keys. I talked to Anna and Angie about them. And somewhere between October 10 and November 5 I trusted you because at the game I wasn’t nervous around you. To this day I don’t know what happened. I blame it on Anna something good she’s done for me. It was because you were a police officer that I got so scared. But boy is my life changed since then. Like I told Heather “I think my boyfriend is doing more good than the group therapy” and she said “he may be but what happens if you ever break up with him”. She said “that’s what I’m afraid to even think about JayCee. He may mean the world to you now, but how about three years from now or even sooner. What will you do?” I told her I would have to work on that when the time comes in the meantime I’m going to be happy and live one day at a time.

She smiled and said “whenever you need to talk I’m here for you.” I said “so is Mikey” she said “but sometime you might need a woman”. I trust her a lot. She found out you’re older than me not sure if she knows how much older and she knows my parents think you’re 18. Caroline I believe told her and when I talk to Caroline she said she was sorry and I told her never to tell his real name. And she said she wouldn’t. I believe her she gives me the Catholic advice I need. My other friends give me advice I know and they know I won’t use -not yet anyway. 15 minutes left for the class.

Love Me

PS I am getting tired I’m thinking about sleeping 9:50 AM. What do you do at work?

Poems about us

1. Tell me loves not worth it — 11/30/93 -- I was still confused

2. What’s Love — 12/02/93 -- Explains the opposite of my feelings for you and Kansas Boy

3. When I saw you last — 12/09/93 -- Explains what happened on 12/07/93

4. Love is there — 12/30/93 -- Explains the negatives of my life, but it comes back to the positive

5. Just hold me — 01/02/94 -- Explains that I have to have that special someone who makes me (changes every time)

Anyway Mikey called at 4:20 and informed me that he wouldn’t be able to come out, because he hurt his knee. He also said that he’ll probably have to have surgery before it’s all said and done. He told me what happened but I forgot. He also told me it happened four to five years ago and that it’s worse when it’s cold outside and stuff. I told him about my knee and muscles that pop out of place and I said “it hurts” he said “I bet”. I said “but I don’t know which way hurts worse when it pops out of place or when I pop it back into place”. He said “oh you have to put it back in place, I don’t want to hear it”. Then he asked if it happens a lot and I said it depended on how I laid. He kept saying he was sorry and I told him it was OK.

He asked me if I’d called my mom and I said I got in a habit of doing that when I get home because she knows why. “She does?” I said “yes she knows I’m expecting a phone call from Mikey”. He said “oh” then I said “no I told her your real name. I’m not that stupid”. He said “I didn’t say that you know you are a lot smarter than you let yourself believe.” I didn’t say anything and he said “you know”. I said “I guess”. He said “I guess what do you mean you guess?”

We talked about how my mom did with me and grades. How scared I was to come home in seventh grade because I got a C and he said "parents just don’t know how they hurt their kids when they do that". I told him that to my mom a C was failing. He said “then I would’ve been a failing kid to her because that’s what I made.” Talked about how my brother got by with everything including his grades how he’s doing better now that he’s over at the tech school. We talked about how to get to my house and how he wouldn’t park in the driveway and he kept saying he was sorry and I kept saying it was OK. Then he said "well the way I see it is we have a long time to go and can replan it". I said “you bet” he asked for landmarks and I told him about the truck and the two houses he said “but” I said “no they’re both ours” he said “why two houses”. I said “because we got a new house” and explained which one was the new and why we got it. Told him that money was the main thing my parents fault about and this house caused a lot of problems. He said “I hear you there”.

Talked about underground heat pumps and he said “yeah I want to get one,” - he also said that when he rents a house he wants one outside to the inside. I don’t know if that’s past tense or if he’s hinting on him moving out.

Told him that when he wrote “why your place?” I said “I wanted to tell you because your place wouldn’t do”. He said “I hear you there”. And again said he was sorry he told me that sometimes he wanted to go to work and others like today he just felt like he was going crazy. I said “what do you mean going crazy you went a long time ago”. He said “going” (his voice changed but I don’t know how to explain it - it made me nervous.) I said “I’m sorry I’ve just been in a joking mood all day.” He said “good”. I said “I don’t know why yes I do I was looking forward to tonight”” He said “I’m sorry but we always have time I mean it looks like we have plenty of time together.” He means so much to me so I told him about the day I smiled all day because I thought of him. It was the day after my parents were threatening to get a divorce and dad told me that grandma would probably die (9 chances out of 10). He said “see your step above some people you already know to think about something positive to forget the negative”. I just said nothing.

I told him about Heather and how I said that my boyfriend was doing better than the group sessions and how she said that might be but think if you two ever break up. That’s when Mikey said “that’s why you have to stay in there and get help now”. I said “I know but I have to drop it”. He asked “why” and I told him about not being able to get out of trig. That’s when he said he wish he could have taken that class. I told him about the rumors and he said don’t worry about them you’re smart enough to handle it.

I told him about how Mr. Matterson taught like a college teacher and how you are afraid to ask questions. That’s when he told me about him asking questions when he was in police schooling at the tech school. But they didn’t want them but they answered them and he learned. That’s when I told him about Mr. Matterson telling us that if you have a question then there’s going to be others wanting to ask the same, so be the brave one and get it answered. Then I told him that the one quarter I let myself ask questions I got my highest score and he said “let it speak for itself” (I had told him that asking questions helps your grade) then I told him that my lowest grade was a B and he said that wasn’t bad and that’s when we got into the conversation of grades.

When he first called I almost started to cry so I started yawning so he would think I was tired and I told him I was. He told me I sounded tired.

Talked about how my brother was gone till 10PM on weekdays and we talked about how I didn’t want to not get to go to school because I don’t like being by myself and how I want to go up to Kansas for a week. He asked if I’m going to get a summer job this summer and I said I’m going to start in March after the games are over. He said where and I said anywhere I can get it. He said “try McDonald’s” I said “I’ve been trying forever”. He said “Hardees” I said “I’ve never tried there”.

Told him about the four-page letter and he said “already” and I told him I kind of realize that he wasn’t coming out when it was 10 after and he said “yeah I had laid down to rest my knee and realized it was 10 after and decided I better call you”. And then he went to the restroom and called me from the gas station.

Talked about the cars and he said “I could drive by where your mom works and see it sometime or I will drive by the house to check it out.” And then he had to go at 4:50 PM.

Why me? I mean we talked about how I wasn’t study for my final he answered before I could — you got perfect attendance — I can’t believe he remembered. We talked about that because of the four page letter I wrote in American History. He even said “you were bored again”. That’s when we talked about finals.

Anyway back to why I said why me? He made me feel like he knew we would be together for a long time. And he didn’t get mad when I referred to him as my boyfriend. I still wonder how for we’ll go before it’s all said and done, but I’m not going to worry about it all I want him to do is hold me and kiss me all over. I’ve wanted that for a long time now. I love him and I don’t care what others think, the only reason I don’t tell anybody is because I don’t want him to get in trouble. That’s all I ever want is for him not to get in trouble. Please God don’t let him get in trouble. I love him too much to let him get in trouble. I also miss him so much I could fly away with him and never come home. I love him too much (maybe).

06/23/2021 - Wow! I so glad he wasn't able to make it to my place that night, because after getting to know him better and knowing what happens later on -- I have no doubt that he would have gotten more than I wanted to give. Maybe, if that would have happened I would have seen the real him sooner, but I'm still glad it didn't -- because a lot of people would have blamed me because I invited him to my house. But please remember if someone says "No" or "Stop it", it doesn't matter who invited whom, what the person is wearing, or any other "BLAME THE VICTIM" sayings - no means no -- stop it mean just that stop whatever their doing -- and it is RAPE if they don't and it doesn't matter if you knew the person or not. Please if you are ever in this situation call your local police department, 911, visit a medical center, or call for more information on what you can do National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673)

I still think he knew what he was doing. He knew what to say and when to say it to make sure I felt like he cared about me and that he loved me. I know during this time I felt it, but now looking back from the adult that I am I can see why it was all an act on his part to get what he wanted. I wish a lot of thing happened differently back then, but they didn't and this is why I'm telling my story to make people aware of the redflags, the cries for help, what to do rather you're the victim or supporting the victim, and to let them know they aren't alone there are people who care.